I joke that I’ve been married to three different men, and yet physically it’s the same man. And while it’s partially a joke, it’s also not. I think any sustained marriage comes with numerous iterations, and I’m learning what a gift that is.
My husband pre-kids is different from who he was after. And naturally, he’s different now than he was a decade ago. Instead of assuming the man I married is the same man I’m married to, I want to start celebrating all of the changes and iterations of him.
And likewise, he to me, because if I’ve been married to three different men, he’s averaged at least ten different wives.
In this podcast, we talk about what it looked like for us to fall back in love, how to increase intimacy in marriage, and what we’ve kept from the Sex Talk podcast series and what we’ve left behind.
Let’s talk about intimacy
Let’s talk about intimacy, because it’s not everything you think it is, and yet it’s something we all desire. In fact, it’s one of God’s greatest gifts for us. But it’s also not just lying naked in bed or keeping track of how many times you have sex.
Sure, it can be those things. But I want to take a deeper dive and share some of what we’ve learned about intimacy that has been a game changer in our marriage. It literally took sex from a chore and an act to an integral part of how we show up as people.
10 things you need to know about how to increase intimacy in marriage
1. It starts with you
You may have heard intimacy described as “into-me-I-see.” It’s wordplay more than word history (the actual root is the Latin intimus, meaning “innermost”), but it gets the point exactly right: intimacy starts with you working on yourself, not expecting someone else to save you or fix you. You can’t open up to someone else if you’ve never been honest with yourself. So get to know yourself, honor yourself, and own all that God made you to be.
Get to know yourself, honor yourself, and own all the God made you to be.
2. It’s letting someone in
Intimacy starts with you, but being intimate with yourself is how we build the connection we all crave. Intimacy is seeing yourself, owning all that you are and were made to be, and allowing someone else into that space. And yes, this may be one of the more terrifying things you’ll do this side of eternity, and yet it’s also one of the most fulfilling.
The purpose of life is not a solo endeavor. It’s a co-created one.
3. It’s one of our greatest powers
Intimacy is one of the most powerful forces we’ve been given. When two people are fully known and fully for each other, they become hard to knock over. That’s why it’s worth protecting. The slow drift into roommates, where you run the calendar well and forget each other, can cost you more than any big blowup. Power like this was never meant to be wasted on logistics. It was meant to take you far in life. The question is, are you using it?
4. It’s a breeding ground for creation
Yes, the obvious kind. (We have three teenagers and a grocery bill to prove it.) But intimacy has always been about more than making babies. It’s where new life comes from in every sense. When you’re fully connected to someone, ideas get bolder, your home feels different, and dreams you stopped saying out loud start to breathe again. We were made in the image of a Creator, and intimacy is one of the places we get to create with Him, in and out of the bedroom.
5. More non-sexual encounters
We tend to think intimacy happens in the bedroom, but most of it happens everywhere else. It’s built in the small, ordinary moments of being seen: the conversation in the kitchen, the hand on your back, the feeling of being thought about in the middle of a Tuesday. What you feel in the bedroom is a result of what is being built out of it.
6. It’s driven by the feminine
Hear me out on this one. The feminine was made to receive, nurture, create, and set the temperature of a space, and that’s a holy kind of power. This doesn’t make intimacy her job, and it doesn’t make it her fault when things feel off. It takes two. But when a woman feels safe, seen, and connected, she opens up, and often the whole relationship opens with her. Her desire may take a different route than his, and that was never a flaw in the design. It was the design. Women, it’s good and right and holy to take initiative. Don’t wait around for something you’re better at.
7. It’s a currency, not an act
We’ve been taught to treat intimacy as something you do, so we count it, schedule it, and feel guilty about it. But intimacy is a currency. It moves, changes, evolves, and grows, and it’s something you both pay into. That’s why it looks different in every iteration of your marriage, and that’s the gift of staying. Newlywed intimacy looks very different than toddler years, where intimacy is a strong cup of coffee. Stop counting moments of intimacy and holding on so tightly that you miss the flow.
8. Fuel it with energy and build capacity
You can’t give what you don’t have. Intimacy asks for presence, and presence takes capacity. If you’re pouring everything out all day, it makes sense that there’s nothing left to offer by the time the house gets quiet. Sometimes the problem isn’t your marriage. It’s your ability to hold and sustain what you want. Building capacity in yourself is literally one of the most loving things you can do for the person next to you. That means caring for yourself so you can show up for them.
9. It regulates your nervous system
We were never meant to carry stress alone, and our bodies know it. This is the power and benefit of co-regulation. Your nervous system takes cues from a calm, safe person next to you. Research on couples suggests that affectionate touch can help calm the body’s stress response. In one well-known study, married women who held their husband’s hand while anticipating a mild electric shock showed a smaller threat response in the brain. (Literally, romance is alive.) Your spouse’s presence can become the place where your body finally exhales and perhaps one of the greatest regulators we’re overlooking.
10. It’s sacred
The first picture we get of marriage is two people, naked and not ashamed (Genesis 2:25). Fully seen, with nothing to hide. A lot of us were handed a different message: don’t, don’t, don’t, and then on your wedding night, do. But God didn’t blush when He made this. Intimacy is holy ground. It’s one of the clearest pictures we have of what it means to be fully known and fully loved, and the best way to get there is to honor each other all day. To do the work of seeing yourself and building capacity so you can show up for them. Remember, this intimacy isn’t selfish; it’s co-created. Build it together.
8 ways to increase intimacy
Pick one this week. Just one. Don’t use this as a chore list for your marriage. Use it to build something great.
1. Have morning make-out sessions
Before the phones and the group text. Before anyone yells that they can’t find the clothes they want today. Thirty seconds will do. As marriage researcher John Gottman states, let it be a six-second kiss, long enough that it can’t be mistaken for what you give your aunt.
2. Non-sexual touch
I can’t stress this enough. A lot of people want to stop at sexual touch and get frustrated when the spouse pulls away. You can’t warm up a slow cooker without some non-sexual touch. It might be a hand on his back as you pass in the kitchen. Feet touching on the couch. Or just holding hands in the car.
3. Get your creative juices flowing
Create something, alone or, even better, do it together. Plan a trip, paint the ugly bathroom, or even cook a recipe or meal together. Creativity is literally the same place that drives your desire to connect. If you want more connection, try getting more creative.
4. Move your body, care for it, build capacity
It’s hard to feel desirable when you’re running on coffee and a granola bar you found in the console. Caring for your body isn’t about impressing anyone. It’s about having something left to give, and actually embodying all that you are. Don’t neglect caring for your body because it’s the fuel that drives your intimacy.
5. Show up in your uniqueness
Your spouse married a person, not a household operations manager. Somewhere under the permission slips is the woman with the weird sense of humor and strong opinions about movies. Bring her back. Don’t lose yourself in tasks that you fail to show up for, have fun, and get spicy with the one you love.
6. See the good, and drop the judgment, expectations, and assumptions
This is the big one. Sure, he loaded the dishwasher wrong. But let’s remember, it’s just a dishwasher! Most of us are walking around with a mental file on our spouse, and it was last updated in 2014. This isn’t helping. Delete that file and meet the person who’s actually standing in front of you. Not the one who did everything wrong.
7. Be spontaneous
I realize that with three teenagers, spontaneity requires a calendar. That’s not a contradiction. It’s parenting. At the same time, the more you desire it, the more likely you are to create it. If you want to be spontaneous, to spice things up, don’t discount the fact that there are a million little ways to do this. Get creative (double bonus) and have fun with it.
8. Have fun, play and laugh
Couples who laugh together stay on the same team. And let’s be honest: at this stage of life, something is going to squeak, cramp, or lock up at the worst possible moment. You can be embarrassed, or you can laugh until you have to stop and start over. Can we make a pact that we’ll bring back more play? Because what is life without it?
Who are you married to now?
Here’s what I keep coming back to: you may be longing for the person you married, even though the person you’re married to is standing right there. It’s just a new iteration of him. And that can be really good.
Falling back in love doesn’t always mean going back. Sometimes it means getting curious about who he’s become, and letting him meet who you’ve become. Listen to the episode, pick one thing from this list, and go meet your husband again. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen! I promise, you’ll never regret it.
Get more details, thoughts, and ideas surrounding sex and intimacy in our podcast series, The Sex Talk. Listen to all the episodes here.
